Sunday, October 30, 2011
2011 hasn't been the easiest or the best year for me. I went through a lot of changes and when I say a lot.. I mean A LOT. But we only learn and grow from what challenges us. The so called speed bumps in life help build character and make us who we are. I think that everything does happen for a reason. I've learned so much this past year. I've realized a lot about myself and what I really want out of life.
My whole world was turned upside down in August. I lost my house, my dog Bosley and although I didn't quite lose them...my extended family. Not to mention someone I was with for almost 5 years. Everything that I was used to and loved pretty much vanished. But I started looking at everything as a necessary change. I needed to lose all of this to gain so much more. I've had such a hard time this year struggling with career decisions and dealing with depression. I am now depression free, making important decisions for my future and smiling 10x more than I have been in a long time. Now I'm not saying I was unhappy 100% of the time but my life was definitely lacking.
I looked at my last blog entry and wanted to delete it immediately because I don't feel like that at all anymore. But that is all a part of the process, having regret, sadness, acceptance and moving on. It all doesn't happen over night. Thinking back to when I wrote the last post and how I felt to how I feel now makes me smile. I'm in such a good place now.
I'm ok with being alone. I'm enjoying my time with my friends and family. Although I am with the same
company, now I am working at a different location with all new faces. Meeting new people and going out on dates to see what is out there. Life is looking different and well... it's looking good.
"It always seems impossible until it's done."
- Nelson Mandela
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
- Helen Keller
"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."
- Henry Ford
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I feel like this is tearing us apart, not making our relationship stronger. What BS.
Why does 1 day feel like 5 to me? I guess it will get better. I'm just waiting for that day to come. Not the day when my love stops for patrick, but the day I can FULLY accept what is happening.
I am going sky diving October 1st. I really wish I was doing it sooner. I feel like jumping out of that plane will be life changing. Patrick used to always say, "Why the hell would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?!" well Pat....all of this.. this bull shit and the heart ache and the worrying..and the loss. This is why.
I've always wanted to skydive and do adventurous things. I feel like I lost my interest and passion in music, art and everything else under the sun that I loved so dearly (before my relationship and during the first 2 years of it). people have said that I lost my light a bit... I don't laugh as hard or as much, i'm not as goofy and carefree. It's probably because he is more reserved and not as outgoing and free spirited as I am. Maybe it's because we have both been through a lot of shitty times as individuals and as a couple the past couple years..we can't catch a break.
Maybe that is a part of getting older- you become more responsible, more aware of consequences. But I do notice the difference..Maybe it was our living situation.. I know that killed our relationship.. You can't have 2 other men living with you and a number of other people always ALWAYS at your house. Eventually it is going to wear you down. I felt like there were a hundred people in my relationship..and when I became depressed for other reasons..my packed house made it impossible to bounce back and gain the sanity that I needed. It killed the intimacy in our relationship, the alone time..just watching tv or cooking together..the things we love.
Maybe this is what we need as a couple...maybe this is just the end. But I know we are moving forward somehow.. I'm regaining my individuality. Maybe I will finally get my arm done, maybe i'll learn how to play guitar, go to more concerts, maybe I'll laugh a little more, this might be a good thing. It's just hard to see right now.
Hopefully it all works out. I know I deserve better, I know I can do better..but do I want to? Should I be with someone that might not potentially want to marry me or have kids? Should I find someone else that will. I love this man so much..much more than I ever realized until I lost him. Is friendship with an ex of 5 years a possibility? He wants that if things don't work out.. I guess we will find out. Maybe friends at a distance.. I know I won't give up friends I've made through him..and I'm happy he isn't making me.
ah shit. Only time will tell.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
TAVERN. Simply put. Just passing through Fairview Park, Ohio most people would pass by this sign not even thinking twice about stopping in. The fairview tavern is a neighborhood bar but it is so much more. With a fantastic menu, great prices and a beyond friendly atmosphere.....its one of my favorites. Every time I dine here, I am surprised. The food is delicious, certainly not "bar food". If you want a relaxing lunch or to party at night its the place to be. These pierogies are made locally, and I can tell. Super filling and finger licking good!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I am capitalizing it because lately it is very rare I am like this. I woke up at 8am ready to work. (and super cheery I might add) I started cleaning, got all of my hair cutting/coloring tools together. I turned on the tv in the kitchen, ground coffee beans (the annoying sound was blissful music to my ears for some strange reason) and made some coffee. Not even pissed off that all I had to eat for breakfast was a stale chocolate hazelnut biscotti. A client of mine came over at 9:00am for a cut and color and I got done in very fast timing- doing a very good job. Made some $$$ and then cleaned some more. Cut my boyfriend's brother's hair then proceeded to do the monstrous amount of dishes( that I did not make dirty) while humming Love Lost by The Temper Trap. (which I will be posting on here after this, maybe it will get it out of my head) All of this before 12. Shit normally when I have do the dishes made dirty by 3-6 men(none by me) all I can do is visualize punching them in the head for every dish they leave crusted over with food. I'm proud of myself today. GO ME.
Seems like a normal morning... not quite for me. Lately I have been extremely tired, cranky, stressed or depressed. Everything is a chore and bothersome and If I have to work at 3pm..I'm usually being unproductive, sitting on the couch until 12 or 1. I don't want to be like this, I prefer today's mood. But lately I have been in a horrible "funk". Maybe this is a sign that things will be ok.
One thing that shocks me ..a little bit. I was extremely entertained watching Justin Bieber on The View today. What?! Bieber? I can't stand that little douche! Nope not anymore. Maybe it was this weird mood I am in today but I was a little smitten by this charming young man on there. He was so adorable. I don't think I have the "bieber fever" and I am pretty sure I won't be humming any of his songs while I do the dishes any time soon.
However I can't help but hear Simon & Garfunkel's Mrs. Robinson play in my head. He may be growing on me. I don't want to puke when I see him on tv anymore. So thats a plus.. One more Semi-fan for him.
Wishing I didn't have to waste this mood on work tonight. Hoping this day will stay on this "positive productive path". Say that 10 times fast.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The moment you think you've seen it all from your significant other, they surprise you. I've been with my boyfriend Patrick for over 4 years and in our case I am the surpriser.
I'm sure you can tell just solely based on my past 2 blogs that I am a bit stressed. Well that's a little understated.
Here I am watching tv (more specifically Regis & Kelly- Kristen Chenoweth is standing in for Kelly and she is like a little ball of fun! ) with my boyfriend this morning and I'm already laughing because I'm easily amused.
I always love to sit on our love seat that is facing our large living room window in the morning, especially when it's beautiful and sunny out like today. Patrick and I were practically in mid-conversation and I saw a baby squirrel run across the street over into our neighbors yard. I love animals but today was a bit much haha.
I saw the squirrel and stopped talking and eating my cereal. I probably had the biggest smile on my face like a little kid. The teeny squirrel ran so fast across the street and it was just the cutest thing. It was like I forgot about everything and just focused on it. Ok that was my ADD moment
Then returned back to earth and Pat was like " what?!" I said, "Oh my God, there was the cutest tiny baby squirrel running across the street!!!" Realizing I sounded like an overexcited child I started laughing. (Pat is hysterically laughing at me by the way)
Laughing eh...no big deal. Laughing with milk and cereal in your mouth. Hey! Not Easy! I was laughing uncontrollably trying my hardest to keep the mouthful of goodness contained. ( Goodness because Honey Sunshine by Kashi is DELIGHTFUL)
I laughed non-stop for at least 2-3 minutes with 2% milk gradually spouting out of my mouth like a mall fountain(Where did they go by the way, I want to throw my pennies in damn it! )
I have to say at one point I had to bury my face in my sweater because I KNOW that couldn't have been attractive. Milk soaked sleeves feel great by the way. Good for the skin.
Pat was laughing - probably in disbelief and said " ADHD much?!"
I know he was thinking he had never seen me get like that, like a hyper active 8 year old that can't eat their breakfast like a civilized person. He loves me even more now.
I can tend to be sporadic and goofy. But today was a sign that I am reaching a stress level that I haven't experienced in a while. Whenever I get stressed I laugh uncontrollably. I get this from my mother. I remember days growing up watching my mother's face getting as red as atomic bomb candy (yes- dark red). She would laugh for hours..... laugh. stop.. laugh again.. stop. This would only happen once in a blue moon but I'm not going to lie I enjoyed it. Laughing is contagious and she always had a way to turn a sub par "B" movie to a box office hit in our house.
Occasionally I will witness the stressed "laugh attacks" when I'm with my mom but I think she passed it on to me. lol shucks! Thanks Mom!
So maybe I need a vacation, or some type of stress reliever. Although the length of laughter can be painful and can produce tears. I am happy that I laugh instead of cry. well as long as I don't have food in my mouth. I just can't keep it in.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I was left without a car today until lunch time so my only solution is to use these two legs of mine and head out on a mission to find silence- or less annoying destructive sounds.
I decided to walk 10 blocks to my rec center, listen to some tunes and then relax and workout to get away from all that noise. I would normally stay at the gym for atleast an hour but for some reason I wasn't feeling it today. Perhaps its the lack of breakfast or knowing that I couldn't work out until my legs felt like jello because i'd have to briskly walk back to my house in the sun in time for lunch with the boyfriend. Either way, I am stuck in construction hell again. Crossing my fingers this headache goes away before work. It doesn't look too promising considering these guys will be here all day.
Oh and I got such a lovely "welcome" home from my dog when I got back. I let Bosley out of his cage and walked right upstairs to my room to change into dry clothes. Bosley followed me as usual except this time he looked at me and peed. On top of a comforter that was folded on the floor (on its way to the laundry room)
Ok. I know that dogs can't make "faces" but I swear he looked up at me and was like "fuck you". "Thanks for leaving me in this loud box while you enjoy mother nature outside". If you saw him, you would see "the face" too. Who knows maybe im hungry and going crazy. lol
He looks stressed from all of this noise so I will let that little mess go. But to make it better..I picked up the comforter to take it to the washer and as I am walking down my bedroom stairs, the pee started "rolling" off the blanket..landing everywhere I walked with it. I had to clean all of that up. Almost happy the roofers are here so people can't hear my swearing.
If that wasn't enough, he didn't give me time to recover/regroup. He just goes into number 2. poopie poop. I clean that up, dropping each little nugget over and over. I finally get it in the toilet and it starts to overflow. So here I am trying to keep this poop filled water from spilling all over my clean bathroom and all over me. Thank you God for giving me unbelievable plunging skills.
Lately I have been getting fed up with work and the catty drama bullshit that comes along with it. So if the BAM WHACK POP, the dog's vengeful bladder and the crumbly stink nuggets are any indication as to what I will have to deal with tonight at work. Then I am "checking" out for the day.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
- you have to pay your dues
- work your way up from the bottom
- learn from the best
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Either way, I am excited that I have found yet another outlet for all of my creativity, mindless babble and story telling in my little world of ramblings.