Thursday, September 1, 2011

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I am not sure if I believe this quote/saying. What do you think? Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Is distance our friend? I have been struggling these past 2 weeks with the idea of never being with my ex boyfriend of 5 years again. Leaving a life full of wonderful family and friends and my furry child Bosley behind.

I feel like this is tearing us apart, not making our relationship stronger. What BS. 

Why does 1 day feel like 5 to me? I guess it will get better. I'm just waiting for that day to come. Not the day when my love stops for patrick, but the day I can FULLY accept what is happening.

I am going sky diving October 1st. I really wish I was doing it sooner. I feel like jumping out of that plane will be life changing.  Patrick used to always say, "Why the hell would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?!"  well Pat....all of this.. this bull shit and the heart ache and the worrying..and the loss. This is why.

I've always wanted to skydive and do adventurous things. I feel like I lost my interest and passion in music, art and everything else under the sun that I loved so dearly (before my relationship and during the first 2 years of it). people have said that I lost my light a bit... I don't laugh as hard or as much, i'm not as goofy and carefree.  It's probably because he is more reserved and not as outgoing and free spirited as I am. Maybe it's because we have both been through a lot of shitty times as individuals and as a couple the past couple years..we can't catch a break.

Maybe that is a part of getting older- you become more responsible, more aware of consequences. But I do notice the difference..Maybe it was our living situation.. I know that killed our relationship.. You can't have 2 other men living with you and a number of other people always ALWAYS at your house. Eventually it is going to wear you down. I felt like there were a hundred people in my relationship..and when I became depressed for other packed house made it impossible to bounce back and gain the sanity that I needed. It killed the intimacy in our relationship, the alone time..just watching tv or cooking together..the things we love.

Maybe this is what we need as a couple...maybe this is just the end. But I know we are moving forward somehow.. I'm regaining my individuality. Maybe I will finally get my arm done, maybe i'll learn how to play guitar, go to more concerts, maybe I'll laugh a little more, this might be a good thing. It's just hard to see right now.

Hopefully it all works out. I know I deserve better, I know I can do better..but do I want to? Should I be with someone that might not potentially want to marry me or have kids? Should I find someone else that will. I love this man so much..much more than I ever realized until I lost him. Is friendship with an ex of 5 years a possibility? He wants that if things don't work out.. I guess we will find out. Maybe friends at a distance.. I know I won't give up friends I've made through him..and I'm happy he isn't making me.

ah shit. Only time will tell.