Thursday, September 1, 2011

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I am not sure if I believe this quote/saying. What do you think? Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Is distance our friend? I have been struggling these past 2 weeks with the idea of never being with my ex boyfriend of 5 years again. Leaving a life full of wonderful family and friends and my furry child Bosley behind.

I feel like this is tearing us apart, not making our relationship stronger. What BS. 

Why does 1 day feel like 5 to me? I guess it will get better. I'm just waiting for that day to come. Not the day when my love stops for patrick, but the day I can FULLY accept what is happening.

I am going sky diving October 1st. I really wish I was doing it sooner. I feel like jumping out of that plane will be life changing.  Patrick used to always say, "Why the hell would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?!"  well Pat....all of this.. this bull shit and the heart ache and the worrying..and the loss. This is why.

I've always wanted to skydive and do adventurous things. I feel like I lost my interest and passion in music, art and everything else under the sun that I loved so dearly (before my relationship and during the first 2 years of it). people have said that I lost my light a bit... I don't laugh as hard or as much, i'm not as goofy and carefree.  It's probably because he is more reserved and not as outgoing and free spirited as I am. Maybe it's because we have both been through a lot of shitty times as individuals and as a couple the past couple years..we can't catch a break.

Maybe that is a part of getting older- you become more responsible, more aware of consequences. But I do notice the difference..Maybe it was our living situation.. I know that killed our relationship.. You can't have 2 other men living with you and a number of other people always ALWAYS at your house. Eventually it is going to wear you down. I felt like there were a hundred people in my relationship..and when I became depressed for other packed house made it impossible to bounce back and gain the sanity that I needed. It killed the intimacy in our relationship, the alone time..just watching tv or cooking together..the things we love.

Maybe this is what we need as a couple...maybe this is just the end. But I know we are moving forward somehow.. I'm regaining my individuality. Maybe I will finally get my arm done, maybe i'll learn how to play guitar, go to more concerts, maybe I'll laugh a little more, this might be a good thing. It's just hard to see right now.

Hopefully it all works out. I know I deserve better, I know I can do better..but do I want to? Should I be with someone that might not potentially want to marry me or have kids? Should I find someone else that will. I love this man so much..much more than I ever realized until I lost him. Is friendship with an ex of 5 years a possibility? He wants that if things don't work out.. I guess we will find out. Maybe friends at a distance.. I know I won't give up friends I've made through him..and I'm happy he isn't making me.

ah shit. Only time will tell.



  1. this seriously made me cry. This is how I feel about Darius. After a year and a half apart I still feel lost. I have days where Im completly inconsolable. Then there are those days where I feel so free I am unable to express the joy it brings. I read somewhere once that it takes a VERY long time not weeks, or months, but sometimes longer to "get over it". I think the hardest part is having an entire future you had painted in your mind completly put to an end and learning to paint a new one. I also find it hard to enjoy the simple things I used to enjoy music art theatre. it all reminds me of what COULD have been. all of it seems moot.
    I WILL tell you this... you learn a LOT about yourself when being alone. Ive learned that I am picky, I cant stand stupid people, and that the majority of my "friends" just dont see me. they see what they want.

    I noticed while in a relationship I was less likely to speak up, less likely to do something radical (like jump out of a plane. ive always wanted to), and less likely to let ME out.

    I think you should do EVERYTHING you ever wanted to do. and do it 2 fold.

    the most valuable lesson I have learned is to be myself. dont hold back. for anyone.

    love you.
    always here.

  2. You seem to be an amazingly woman. Just reading a few of your blogs, you are quite a strong person. I'm so sorry that these things tend to happen in our lives. But its not the path god wanted you in, so he shifted things. I know everything will work out eventually. More sooner then later. Keep doing what your doing. Your amazing! Take care hun!